What does this mean? We’ve all seen this somewhere whether in articles or on social media or whatever but what does it mean? What does being ok mean and what does not being ok mean? Does ok mean that you look happy with a smile on your face and you get up and go to work and take care of your family? Does not ok mean you can’t do those things? Because sometimes I feel not ok even though I may look ok and vice versa. Why do we need to tell people that it’s ok not to be ok? Is it because when we ask people “How are you” we expect them all to say ok? Because when people ask me how I am these days I tell them the truth whether it’s ok or awful. You asked for it after all so I’m going to tell you.
So I’m going to tell you that right now. I’m not so ok. I’m an emotional mess of garbage right now. I’m trying to hold everything all together and at some point this caused me to come apart. My back feels like it lives on a 90 year old. I sleep in 1.5 hour increments. I’m carrying 20 extra pounds for some kind of protection. I’d prefer the wonder woman armor to be honest. I fluctuate between feeling like there is a light to the end of this raising teenage girls struggle and holy fucking shit can someone please send me down some rope ASAP so I can pull my way out? I’m manically posting pictures of the deck and sunroom we are putting onto our house so that I look like I have some sort of order and beauty in my life at the moment but the reality is? The reality is I’m holding on by the thread of the throw pillow on the phantom couch that may possibly sometime grace the sunroom we are building. Most days I want to crawl into my bed in my dark bedroom and put the covers up over my head and drown out the world because it feels so much nicer. In my darkest moments I wonder if anything is really worth it. I look at headlines in the world and it just makes me long for some kind of apocalypse whether it be weather or zombie induced. Just make sure I’m on the front line so it’s over quickly is what I’m also thinking.
Oh my god you say, I had no idea, you always look so happy and so full of humor when I see you! Yeah, exactly. So is it really ok to not be ok? Is everyone reading this going, oh no Amy is not ok and that is not ok? Because if it’s really ok to not be ok then everyone should read this and be like, aw shit, I’ve been there too and it’s ok to not be ok because eventually with some work and some opening up and some time I was ok so she will be too. Because that’s what being ok with not being ok really is all about. It’s sitting in the shit of it all, deep in the stank and the sludge and the mire and grabbing onto the ropes and the hand holds and the life lines to pull yourself up out of the giant toilet you’ve found yourself in. God that turned really gross really fast. So right now I’m taking my 90 year old back and my 20 pounds of extra protection and my feet sunk into shit and I’m gonna sit here in the not ok knowing that it’s ok and that eventually the not being ok will pass again. So repeat after me: It’s ok to not be ok. The end.