The other week I posted about how I was sad about my kids not going to camp and about trying to appreciate where I am right at this exact moment. Today everything came full circle. When your child is so sick that you think they might die you begin to forget the vibrant, energetic, enthusiastic person they were pre-illness. One of the questions I’m often asked about my child when we see specialists is “How was she when she was younger, when she was a baby, a toddler, a child, etc.” And my answer is always the same: “This child could light the world on fire. She lit up every room she entered. We called her our human entertainment system. She made everyone around her laugh. She made everyone around her feel good and happy. She was a bubble. She was all that is good and all that is loving and more.” And then we lost her. And it was the saddest time in my life because I lost the gift that was my child. The child who could conquer anything, laugh through anything, entertain through anything, be and do anything. I lost a big light in my life and it left a huge void that I tried to fill with a lot of different things including therapy but never quite could.
And then today happened. We took a walk through the Blue Hills Reservation, something we had done all the time when she was younger but something she wouldn’t do until today because she didn’t want to be seen walking outside. But today when I asked her? She finally said, ok, I’ll go. So we packed up and we went on our hike and the whole way, the whole 75 minute way all I could think about was that I had my light back. My child was back, fully and completely. She made me laugh, she made my heart sing, she made me dance, she made my soul feel complete, she made me so happy that nothing, not even getting lost 3 times on the trails could bring me down. Because when you’ve lost something so precious and you find it once again it is the most amazing feeling. We all know what this feels like on a smaller level, like when we find a lost piece of jewelry or money or a favorite piece of clothing. But this? This was the oscars, the emmys and the tonys all rolled into one and it was perfect. I will hold this moment forever in my heart and remember how it made me completely appreciate being exactly right where I need to be.
Here’s the two pictures that made me know I have my child back. The one to the left is obviously her as the fearless, humorous, carefree kid she was. The one of the right is the fearless, humorous, carefree young adult she has turned into. Here’s to a summer of re-connecting on all levels and being present right in the here and now.