On Mother’s Day

I really want very little on mother’s day this year. The fact that both of my teenage girls are alive, functioning well, and not pregnant is really enough for me. It’s been a year of huge ups and downs and all arounds but today? We are in a much different place than mother’s day last year. So this year all I wanted were a few simple things:

  1. To not listen to Justin Bieber at all. Like not even for a minute. Like not even a millisecond.
  2. To not listen to any music on the radio that had the word “pussy” in it repeated over and over.
  3. To not hear the word mom with the words Can I following.
  4. To eat a lot of chocolate and not worry about where it would end up on my body.
  5. To not hear the girls fight. They could fight, just not in my presence.
  6. To drink a bloody mary worthy of me.
  7. To sit in complete silence for 10 minutes straight.
  8. To have my kids sit next to me and hug me just for a minute without cringing.
  9. To watch liftetime movies about psychotic mothers that make me feel better about myself all day.
  10. To cherish every goddamn moment with these fuckers because soon they will be gone and I’ll have no one to blame things on. Like farts.

I’m not sure any of these happened, but maybe they did. I’ll never tell. Happy mother’s day my bitches.

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