The Cold Hard Truth

Hit me like a cement truck the other night. You see I came to the awful realization that I’m old enough now to be a goddamn grandma.

You see, my older daughter is 17 and she’s of course taking the child life class which entails bringing home a robobaby because of course she is. So she brings home the baby and I snap a picture of the thing and post it on facebook with the caption “I am now a grandma…etc. etc.” like ha ha ha, funny! And some people knew it was a robobaby but the baby is kind of realistic looking and therefore many people were like, whoa, I had no idea, congratulations to you and your family! And I’m all like, whoa what? Wait a minute, I am surely not old enough to be a goddamn grandma except for the fact that I am. I am old enough to be a grandma. My kid is 17 1/2 and no I did not have her when I was 12. I am almost 45. I am old enough to start thinking about empty nesting and the question of someday grand babies. Holy hell. How did this even happen.

When I think of myself it is the girl I see. The playful, sometimes funny, always spazzy, many times insecure girl. The one who had energy to do 5 things at once and more left over to party at the end of the night. The one who marched in the marching band with a baritone saxophone in her cheer leading uniform in high school. The one who knew every special at every bar her senior year in college. The one who would spontaneously take a day trip with anyone at anytime. I certainly don’t think of myself with white hair sitting on a rocking chair knitting booties for my grand baby. Except I love rocking chairs and I taught myself how to knit so here I am. I am I could be a grandma years old with the grey hairs, the chin hairs, and the afternoon snooze to prove it.

And just to solidify it for me, I was shopping at Wegmans the day after I was mistaken for a grandma and I was moving groceries from the cart into my car. A cute young guy came towards me and for a second I thought, hmmm, maybe I still got it. But then I remembered I never really had it. I was never really the girl boys or men would openly flirt with or “pick up”, that was mostly my beautiful girl friends I surrounded myself with. And sure enough, cute guy comes over and says “Can I help you with those ma’am”. And that was when the grandmother of all cement trucks ran me over. I am I could be a goddamn grandma years old. But I will tell you this, when I am a grandma for real? I’m gonna be the last of the red hot grandmas people, this I assure you.

The end.


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