Everyday it’s getting closer

Going faster than a roller coaster. Love like yours will surely come my way. I’m fairly certain Buddy Holly wasn’t talking to me and my family when he wrote this song, however his song speaks to me. It speaks to a year of trying to help my daughter fall in love with herself and her life through the sharp turns and the highest climbs and the steepest drops that make your stomach revolt and your voice scream in protest as you let go. You simply let go and let life take you where it may even though it might make you scared and sick and excited all at once.

This year has seen the hospital, the discharge from the hospital, a bearded dragon lizard savior king, a lot of therapy appointments, successes, failures, relapses, and progress. It has dragged us down to the bottom of an F5 tornado and then thrown us from the top without a parachute. But through it all we held onto the hope that love would surely come our way. And hold on we did, so tightly at that times I wanted to just let go and float away because my grip was so tight I couldn’t even breathe. It left marks all over us. It left marks on my daughter, both physical and emotional. She still can’t wear short sleeves in the summer. It left marks on my husband. He’s become obsessed with checking her twitter account and about every minute she spends in her room and stews and personalizes it all. It left marks on my older daughter who will do just about anything these days to achieve my attention. It left marks on me. The grey hairs, the 10 extra pounds, the wrinkles in my brow, and the vision of her with a knife at the top of the stairs firmly planted in my brain.

But it’s left other marks as well. It has allowed us to really see each other and to really be with each other in spite of everything. It has shown us just how strong the glue of our family unit really is. It has left us bare and exposed , no secrets buried deep anymore. It has made us strong in a way that I never thought possible. Strong in the stranded on Mt. Everest at the top with no oxygen kind of strong. Because every day we are challenged to put one frozen foot in front of the other to make our way without a rope or a even a goddamn sherpa. I really would like a sherpa by the way. He doesn’t have to do everything, just maybe whisper words of encouragement every once in a while, like “You can do it”, “You’re stronger than you think”, “Here, have some wine”.

In all of this I’m still in the hallway of my life. The mother loving middle of everything. And while I desperately want my daughter to find the love of her life in herself, I also am searching for meaning in my own life. I am searching for who I have become because in the tornado of the last year, hell the last few years, I have become lost. I am a fish floundering around on dry land trying to find my way back to the water but running out of goddamn time. Worse, I’m the fish in the tank who is surrounded by glass and has forgotten what the purpose of swimming really is. My rational self knows that this is a stage and that we go through stages but my feeling self would like a shift please. So I guess I would also like love to come my way again. The same love I want for my teenager I want for me. I want to find out who I am right now and love myself and my life more than anything else. So I guess we are really on this journey together and there’s a probably a reason why middle aged people have teenagers. Fucking A.

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