If you don’t want to know, don’t ask

If you don’t really want to know how I am then for fuck’s sake, don’t ask me. If you were just asking to be cordial because you may have heard that things were kind of rough and you felt obligated well then you might as well bite your tongue. If all you want to hear is that things are honky dory and happy, happy, joy, joy then you might as well just keep your “how are you” to yourself.

Because if you don’t want to hear that every time I want to cook something I need to open the safe to get a knife to cut onions or garlic or a pepper then I got nothing for you. If you don’t want to hear that I cringe every time the phone rings in the middle of my day because I fear I will have to pick up my child and take her to the hospital then maybe just don’t talk to me. If you don’t want to know that every day I never know what exactly I will get and I’m nauseous from the ups and downs and all arounds, then just walk away instead of engaging me. If you don’t want me tell you that my kid has missed so much school that she is in danger of failing multiple classes then I implore to walk away without saying a word to me. If you don’t want me to tell you about how every single member of my family is now seeing a therapist because of the impact of all that has happened, then maybe go back to whatever it is you were doing before you saw me.

Because I’m done saying “fine, ok, hanging in, you know, great, ducky, yay”. If you ask me how I am be prepared for the truth because as Mulder always says “The truth is out there”. And if you can’t handle the truth then please, don’t ask. And worse, if you’re just asking out of morbid curiosity, well then fuck you. I’m not here for your entertainment and I’m not here to make you feel like everything is ok. I spend enough time trying to convince myself that everything is ok that I have absolutely no energy left to convince you. The reality is that everything is not ok and I really don’t know when it will be ok, if ever. I still maintain some sort of hope but it is elusive at best and slippery at worst. So please, if you really want to know how I am, be prepared to sit with me for a while and listen without judgement and without looking at the time on your phone or without that vacant stare in your eyes. If you’re just asking because, save it.

And you probably think this song is about you, but don’t be vain, it’s just a song.

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One Comment

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  1. All of this. Yes. I could have written every word of this myself, right down to pulling a knife out of a safe just to cut an onion for dinner. It’s so maddening trying to come up with different ways to answer the “how are you doing?” question that I’ve come to dread it entirely. I agree. If you don’t really want to know, then don’t ask me. You are not alone. Sending you love. ❤

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