How to raise teenage girls without killing them, yourself, or anyone else.

Raising teenage girls is a lot like juggling machetes over your head on a daily basis but without the applause when you get it right and all the pain when you get it wrong. So I’m creating a guide to raising teenage girls for all of us so that we don’t slice our limbs off while juggling the machetes. Here you go.

  1. Wine. They say that 1-2 glasses of red wine a day can help your cardiovascular system and can lead to greater longevity. This is really important when you have teenage girls. When you pull that cork out of the bottle you can finally breathe a sigh of relief and the screaming and yelling and carrying on and eye rolling and hissy fit throwing will become duller and more manageable. This is really a thing, trust me. If you don’t drink, then I suggest you take one of the vicodin left over from your wisdom tooth surgery years ago. Who cares if they’re not good anymore. If you don’t take pills then put in some high quality ear plugs and brace yourself.
  2. You know nothing Jon Snow. No really, the sooner you figure out that you know nothing about anything but your teenage girl knows everything, the better things will be for you all. Save your breath for holding it and counting to ten when you want to rip their rolling eyes out of their head, you’ll be better off. If you tell them the sky is a beautiful shade of pink they will instantly tell you no it’s not it’s orange. If you tell them that they really should get started on that assignment due in a week they’ll basically in so many words tell you to fuck off and go to hell, they know how to plan their own damn lives. So my advice? You know nothing Jon Snow and stop thinking you do. Silence is golden.
  3. Along the lines of you know nothing is that they might die trying. You will see every bad decision or mistake coming at them from miles away and you will want to try and prevent these from happening. You will observe friends that you think are “no good” for your teenager, you will question the course loads they choose in school, you will see the red flags in a relationship from afar and you will want to intervene full force to stop it all from happening. This will only serve to aggravate you when they put everything back in your face and call you judgmental and it will prevent them from learning from their mistakes on their own. I’ve finally learned that this is the time they fall on their face and learn to pick themselves back up again. On their own. Let them, for the love of all that is good, let them. They need it and so do you.
  4. Invest in a good exorcist. No really. I’m Jewish but I still would like to have a priest on speed dial when the girls start looking like Linda Blair and spinning their heads around and shouting profanities in Latin at me. I’m actually going out today to buy some rosary beads, holy water, and a cross.
  5. Time out. This is for you, not them. Find a spot in your house that has a lock and lock yourself in. Bring the wine, the cross, the holy water, and the rosary beads with you. Breathe and count to one billion. And then you can come out. Maybe.

Know that in a precious few years, your teenagers will be full fledged adults so try and enjoy them in spite of all of the above. Cheers.

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