Having sex when you have teenagers: A practical guide

Listen, you may think having sex when you have young children in the house is hard because you’re tired all the time, but let me tell you, having sex with teengagers in the house is like Mission Impossible. But instead of Tom Cruise putting himself in precarious positions and never getting caught, it’s just you and your spouse trying to have a little intimacy without anyone knowing, especially your little darlings. So I offer you a practical guide to the sexy time when you have teenagers. If you don’t talk about sex or like sex or want to have sex, skip this. But if you do, here you go.

1. The pillow over the face. I’m just saying, if you don’t want your teenager to say “Mommy, why are you crying? You’re scaring me, stop crying” you may want to consider buffering your mouth. I’m not saying this has ever happened in my house, maybe at a friend’s house, but it is hugely important. Any kind of noise is like an alarm system for your teenagers and it is like an open invitation to burst into your room and find you in a not so flattering position with your spouse and leading them to say things like “OMG, ewwwwwwww, gross, MOM!!!! And then you are just mortified and want to die so just do everyone a favor and put a pillow over your face. Again, not speaking from experience here. Maybe.

2. Encourage your children to go out, anywhere, you only need an hour tops. You just need them to go to the mall or downtown or out with their friends for a short while. Offer to drive them there, give them money, bribe them, talk it up. That hour where you don’t have to worry about putting a pillow over your face is priceless. And don’t make it fancy or try any weird new things because you know you’re gonna get the phone call to pick up. Just have sex and be done with it. Trust me on this one. Save the fancy stuff for when you send them to overnight camp for a month or two.

3. Barricade and lock your doors. It’s not enough to lock the doors, you must barricade. Every lock has an opening and you don’t want your kids to find that opening. So just put all of your stuff, chairs, laundry baskets, furniture, up against the door so that there is no possibility of them seeing what should never be seen. Much like He who should not be named, there are things that should never be seen by your teenager and your ass or your spouse’s ass exposed in the air is one of them.

4. Insomnia is your friend. There is a reason why we can’t sleep when we hit a certain age. It’s so we can have sex without our teenagers knowing. If you wake up at 3AM, have sex. Better yet? Sleep naked so that it helps things along at 3AM. You’re up at 6 on a Sunday because you’re always up at 6? Have sex. I assure you the kids will be dead asleep and you are safe. This is the safe zone. Use it. Treasure it. Keep it secret. Keep it safe.

5. When all else fails and you’re busted. It’s going to happen, I assure you, whether you know it or not. Your kids will discover that you are “GASP” having sex. When this happens I found that this is the most important thing you can say…”I’m sorry you had to “see” that or “hear” that or “discover” that but I’m not sorry for expressing and showing my love for your father in this way. I would much rather you see us loving and enjoying each other than fighting and screaming at each other. Part of love and marriage is sharing that love with your spouse and I hope for you that someday you find someone that you love and cherish this much. And then tell them to never, ever, under any circumstances, open the door to your room again. For everyone’s well being.

The end.

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