Up and down and all around

I never liked roller coasters. I could never enjoy the going up because I knew that at some point I would be dropped way down at lightening speed without warning and that I had no control over this.  So at amusement parks I was the one that got the sodas and popcorn and met my friends at the exit of the coaster.

Right now I’m on a roller coaster with my child and all I can do is buckle myself in and hold on tight. I want to shut my eyes and scream my lungs out but I don’t want her to see my fear because fear is contagious, fear is the mind killer as moadib in dune would say. I’m trying desperately to enjoy the sights and sounds and feelings of going up but the whole time I find myself waiting for that gut wrenching, heart stopping drop that knocks the wind out of me. I find myself waiting to be turned upside down and cork screwed and banged around instead of enjoying the view from up high. I don’t find any of this thrilling or exciting; I find it excruciating and anxiety producing and I’d really like to get off this ride right now.

Yesterday was an extreme drop into a low point and I found myself spiraling down so fast I felt the vomit rise up to my mouth in an instant. All of the joy immediately got sucked out of me as all I could do was cling to the seatbelt holding me in as I dropped what felt like 80 feet in a matter of seconds. I just want to be taken back up again and I’d really like this thing to slow down already. 

I look around at everyone’s seemingly shiny lives on social media and I wonder if you are all on your own coasters. And if you are, do you just enjoy it more or do them better because I’d like to know how to ride this thing without dying of a heart attack. I told my husband I felt all done with social media, particularly Facebook, because everybody’s life looks so much more fun than ours right now. He had the greatest idea. He suggested that we take pictures of ourselves in the midst of our crisis right now with each other, making the most annoying, mundane, difficult tasks fun. We hashtagged it philandamysfablife. I’m hoping we stick to it and that it helps us feel more up during the downs. At the very least it will be a nice distraction from the coaster.

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