And now for something completely different.

When you are a woman and you hit your 40s there are some cold, hard truths that hit you. I’m sure this is true for every decade but I’m in this one so this is what I shall write about today. Here are some truths universally known. You can thank me later.

1. It is totally normal for you to walk around and shake your head saying “you know nothing Jon snow” to 20somethings.

2. You will learn the biggest secret in the entire world. Wait for it. It’s huge. You now know why chico’s with all the elastic waist band pants exists.

3. You will be tempted to try every formula of estroven on the market but I’m going to save you money and time and your sanity. Don’t buy it. Instead invest in an industrial strength fan and start buying those elastic band pants at chico’s.

4. Remember when you could wolf down a dominos pizza by yourself at 2 in the morning after a night of over indulgence? You can’t do that anymore. Ever. As a matter of fact if you look at pizza you will gain 10 pounds so just don’t do it ok? Thank god for chico’s.

5. Invest in a good tweezer. I prefer tweezerman. Keep it secret, keep it safe, keep it on you at all times. Please trust me on this one.

6. Ain’t nobody got time for that is something you say to yourself about more and more people and people created drama. This is a good thing. Save your drama for scandal because Olivia pope is your spirit animal.

7. You often wonder why you can’t just put the straw in the bottle of wine and then one day you do it and never look back.

8. You start to believe that the snake in the creation story is responsible for you wanting kids so badly in your late 20s and 30s and your punishment is really not the pain of childbirth it is the pain of teenagers.

9. After years of saying you will never leave your home and move to a warmer climate into a complex with a pool, social club, canasta league, and golf course you start collecting brochures for boca del vista and convincing your best friends to come with you.

10. Speaking of places with pools, you will need a pool boy, or girl if that’s your thing. I don’t care if you have a pool or not, you need this. My pool boy speaks no English, only Italian and cleans my pool daily without me having to ask. He also makes a mean cappuccino and looks amazing in a speedo. Actually he doesn’t talk at all. Ever. I know some of you think this is sexist and wrong but I don’t care. You know nothing Jon snow.

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