I came home dog tired with thoughts of cuddling on the couch with my kids while we sipped hot chocolate and talked about our days. Reality set in when I walked in the door and both kids vacated to their rooms and I’m now on the couch stuck cuddling with 2 dogs. I miss the days that my babies would cuddle in my arms and want my attention and yet I remember all too well wishing that I could just have 5 minutes to myself. 5 minutes where I wasn’t wiping someone’s ass, vagina, nose, or face. 5 minutes where I could pee in privacy. 5 minutes to collect my thoughts and close my eyes and take a deep breath. 5 minutes where I could actually chew my food instead of shoving it down my throat so I could help the kids. 5 minutes where I didn’t have to answer who, what, where, when, or the every annoying why questions. 5 minutes where I didn’t look like a spit up rag. 5 minutes to watch an adult program. 5 minutes of peace and quiet. 5 minutes alone.
And now I look back and think how silly I was to wish all that time away because once it’s gone it’s gone and you can never get it back. And with everything that’s happened with my younger daughter I feel like an asshole for doing that. I don’t mean to say that I’d go back and be the type of mom who is gushy mushy and savors every last moment with no feelings of holy hell get me out of here. I’m just saying that I might not have wished that time away. I might have laughed a little more and slowed down a little more and cherished a little more. I might not have thought about the 5 minutes but all of the other minutes that make up a day and found more beauty in them. And I know this stage is even harder. Having 2 teenage girls is like walking a tight rope with no balance bar and broken glass on the ground below. But I’m not going to wish it away. I’m not going to wish it better. I’m not going to wish it different. Because before I know it the house will be empty and my life will BE very different and I don’t want that to happen too fast.
So I’ll try and slow down and not wish my time away. My friend Susie always said that to me when I would say things like “I can’t wait for summer” or “I can’t wait for April break” or “I can’t wait till the kids are old enough to drive themselves places”. She’d say Amyla, don’t wish your time away. I won’t Susie, I won’t.