Aren’t we all.

Yesterday my daughter found out that some of the kids in her school are saying she’s living in a “psycho home”. I told her to reply, “Aren’t we all”? Because we are all on some level dealing with mental health issues everyday of our lives, right? Some days I really do feel like the world would be a better place without me. It doesn’t happen often but when it does, it is as painful as having the stomach bug and puking and pooping at the same time for 24 hours. And the thing is, there will be multiple days in our weeks, years, life where we feel like shit. It could be the flu, a sinus infection, a terrible cold, IBS, or depression. Some illnesses are acute, some are chronic, all impact our daily life. Why is it so hard to understand that being in a hospital getting help is a good thing regardless of what we’re there for?

So I was fully prepared to go all “psycho” and call these kids out since I work in the school, know them all by name, and can have their parents on the phone in 30 seconds flat, but my highly emotionally intelligent daughter stopped me with her words and in her words I again heard hope. She said “it doesn’t matter what they think of me, it matters what I think of me. I can handle these kids when I get back mom, don’t worry about it. Like, I know I’m heavier than the other kids and I just need to accept that and move forward. It’s the same thing. I need to accept that I’m here and working on feeling better.” And I just sat there jaw open bug eyed with tears forming at the edges. I told her how proud I was of her and instead of telling me to be quiet or stop she nodded her head yes. And even though the day before was so painful because she told me she still wants to die and she feels like it would have been better if she would have just killed herself, this day was totally awesome. And I’m holding on to any shred of positivity for dear life right now much like my daughter is being taught to do in the hospital. And it is exhausting and depleting but it’s also so very important on a life lesson level. And in the meantime I’m feeling like it’s more and more important to tell people how fantastic they are because they may not see it or feel it. So I’m trying to make a point to say something positive to people every day. Maybe we all should. Maybe we can change thinking patterns one positive statement at a time.

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  1. Hi Amy, a friend sent me a link to “I am what I am,” and I just finished reading all of your posts. Thank-you for being so vulnerable and sharing this. In October, my 15 year old daughter traveled a similar path – and we did 10 days of hospitalization on the locked ward, 3 weeks at McLean ART, and then did a month in the 3 East PHP and now we are doing the 3 East outpatient part. DBT is amazing, and is revolutionizing my 48 year old life. Can’t get our daughter to buy in yet, not really anyway, but we continue to take one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. When I was in the throws of the hospitalization, a dear friend told me that my job was to get up each day and figure out what it meant to love our daughter on that day only…and then get up and do the same thing again tomorrow. Love can look so different from day to day. If you want to connect further, let me know. And please keep writing. Because you are writing many of my thoughts and it is so powerful. Thank-you.

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