There are things that happen throughout the course of your child’s hospitalization. First you numbly go through the motions and you half listen through tears to what all the professionals are saying to you; then you start to recover slightly and get your bearings and you feel almost like you’re becoming some sort of expert in all things routes, traffic, parking, etc; then you think how long do I need to keep doing this and how will I bear it with my own mind still intact. So you distractify. There was a time I would have obsessed over whether or not that is an actual word but I could care less right now and I like it so it stays. And you distractify by thinking all kinds of thoughts that take you away from the present shittiness and let you obsess over really dumb things that really mean nothing but are fascinating enough to take your mind off what hurts. This must be what my child was looking to do and maybe she just needs to learn to distractify in a more appropriate way. So I give you, my distractifications:

1. I began thinking that the Jamaicaway was designed and built by a terrorist cell wanting to inflict immense terror into the people of Boston. This led to me writing a new episode of State of Affairs that involves horrible roads and accidents and awfulness.

2. I try and count how much money I’ve spent on parking at Children’s Hospital. I think I’m at about 600 dollars.

3. When parking, I get really excited about what floor I will park on and if I will someday maybe get to park on the first floor.

4. Red Mango, when the only option of places to take your child for a snack, looks good initially but is really disgusting and shouldn’t even be called frozen yogurt. It should be called frozen shit. Or shit in a cup. Or something.

5. I’ve started to have a relationship with WAZE and I talk to it regularly although it doesn’t answer me back. Sometimes I’m all what the fuck Waze, where are you taking me now? But most of the time I’m all, fuck yeah Waze, you’re awesome and I love you so much. It still doesn’t answer, can someone fix that?

6. Speaking of Waze, the Elvis voice by far is still my favorite and I started thinking it would be great to have a Jim Carrey as the Grinch voice on Waze. I don’t know why, just go with it.

7. When I go through Children’s Hospital, I try to hold my breath as long as I can so I don’t get the flu. It’s become a personal mission and contest.

8. I’m enjoying making up names for the staff on the floor my child is on, like Meh Matt, happy all the fucking time Heather, or cute connor (don’t tell my kid about that one, or my husband).

I can’t get to 10 which really frustrates the hell out of my OCD but that’s about it.


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